Phrase Ramble #3: “Sweet (anything you can imagine)!”

Example in use:
Once again, evoke the name of Jesus.  I swear to his mother, he sure does gets around.

But hey, we don’t need to leave it at just God.  Over the years I’ve heard such colorful variations as “Sweet Enola Gay,” “Sweet Mother of Pearl,” “Sweet Georgia Brown (although delightfully unrelated),” or even “Sweet Marry-Anne Marie!”

Heck, you could probably just make up your own.  How about “Sweet Sweaters on a Sweat-hog” for you country folk?  Feel free to do better ya damn Ala-freakin-banians!  As long as you are surprised, the sky’s the limit.

What the hell?
I don’t think I’m going to complain about this one.  How often do we get an ad lib version of a phrase?  Just embrace the ooey gooey wonderfulness that is this phrase.  See how creative you can be.  Not you though, Timmy Morganson of 742 Northwillow Road, Sheepton, Massachusetts.  You suck.

A theory:
So which one of these is the original?  According to some guy who talked to my friend’s, roommate’s, drug-dealer’s, parakeet; the Catholics started it with “Sweet Mary, Mother of God” typically followed by the finger crossing thing to ward off people like me.  So naturally, the non-Catholics take the phrase and mold it into something a bit more universal.  Everybody wins!

Phrase Ramble #2: Let’s blow this Popsicle stand!

Example in use:
“We have 20 minutes before the super huge Hollywood explosion goes off!  Let’s blow this Popsicle stand!”

What the hell?
In this context it clearly means “John, let’s get the flying #%!@ out of here,” because
1.  There’s always a John
and
2.  You so much as poke a gasoline canister in a film and that baby is going off like a civil war reenactment

What I want to know is why a Popsicle stand?  Was that a thing?  Is there a place that exclusively sells Popsicles to you and your loved ones and so help you god if you ask for frozen yogurt? Why haven’t I ever heard of such a wonderland?  What else have you kept from me mom and dad?!  I demand answers!
Also, what’s up with “blow?”  Since when did we decide that it means “to leave?”  You can’t leave!  We got too much stuff to do!  We got to blow out the candles on the cake, blow shit up, get blowjobs at the bathroom, yell at John for blowing our cover, come to blows for insulting his mother, and tell the cops to go blow themselves for confiscating our blow!
It’s like the Aaron Paul of words:  a scrappy young hoodlum with a foul mouth and heart of gold.

Theory:
So with an itty bitty bit of research (I know and I apologize.  This will be the last time I put effort into this, I swear.) this phrase was originally “let’s blow this pop stand.”  Now I know pop stands were a thing.  I’ve seen “Back to the Future.”  It’s a place that sells cherry coke and nothing else.  My guess is the phrase changed to “Popsicle” because “let’s blow this cherry cola stand” has too much product placement you know?  We’re not corporate whores.  We’re just trying to escape a Michael Bay movie.

Phrase Ramble #1: “Cheese it, the feds!”

Example in use:
When you’re trying to sneak the whale back into Sea World.  You know, just the normal stuff.

What the hell?
Cheese?  As a verb?  As in:  the act of cheesing?
How do you take fermented milk and put into the context of “Oh look comrades in crime, the police have arrived to foil our dastardly acts of burglary.  Perhaps we should flee?” 
I wonder if this works with other dairy products.  Like, “Milk it Jim!  The police are here!”  Probably not.  Sort of sounds like you and your buddy are stealing straight from the cow’s utters.  Maybe “yogurt” instead?  I will have to try this out on people later.

Theory:  
I think the original word was Jesus.  Think about it:  we evoke the name of that guy for everything from a stubbed toe to winning the lottery.  In this case, it’s an outcry of surprise and trepidation. That, or Jesus is literally helping your gang rob that bank.  Come to think of it, why would you be afraid of anything if Jesus is on the team?  Are the cops really going to open fire on the son of their Lord?  What would that even accomplish?  You know he’s just gonna come back.
Anyway.  Jesus is slurred and becomes “cheese it,” which will eventually turn into Cheeze-it, and before you know it, Cheeze-its become the official snack of crime lords. 

Support Justice:  eat Wheat Thins

The Shower Thought Guide to Etymology

We’re going to take a slightly different direction here at Word Grub.  Although I will still be on the look out for words that flutter the spirit and damage your social reputation, I want to talk about some phrases that seem a little curious; both new and old. Tantalized?  You expecting a grand gesture of thorough research, delving deep into the coffers of knowledge?  Are you ready to see the citations page?!  

No?  

Good because all that information is easily available in the Oxford Dictionary of Everything (probably).  I’m not here for answers.  I’m here to slur and complain and leave you all a little bit worse off for having read my rambling.  After all, isn’t that what life is all about?

Again, that’s a no.

But I’m gunna do it anyway.

Word of the Day #17: Camelopard

Pronunciation:  [kuh-mel-uh-pard]

Definition:  
n.
A giraffe

How does that equation even work?
Camel + Leopard = Giraffe
Actually, it’s not as crazy as it sounds.  You see, instead of a crazy conspiracy theory having us believe that giraffes are the magical offspring between a deadly cat and a walking water cooler, the ancient Latanarians (complete horse-cocky name for people who speak Latin) thought that giraffes kind of looked liked camels with leopard spots all over them.  That’s all.

Why the hell would you use this:
You didn’t realize that this word was already taken when you genetically engineered a camel and a leopard together.  Other than that, unless you were born in the year 1377 (in which case, congratulations for living that long, you ancient bastard) and the first person to have ever seen this creature, there is no reason to use this word.  Ever.  We have a better word for it.  Giraffe.  Use that one.

Odds of using this in casual conver-
No.

But I –
Seriously.  Don’t bother.  It can’t be done.  Do not attempt to call a giraffe a camelopard.  Do not point out the camelopards to your friends at the zoo.  Do not feed the camelopards.  Do not ride the camelopards.  Do not keep the camelopards as a pet.  That’s a no to camelopards.
No.

Example in a sentence:
The long necked camelopards ran gracefully across the savanna until they turned and trampled me to death for calling them camelopards.

Word of the Day #16: Walleteer

Pronunciation:  [wal-let-eer]

Definition:
n.
1.) one who carries a wallet
2.) a traveling beggar
3.) a traveling beggar that carries a wallet

The Drunken Linguist’s Additional Definition:
The saddest looking title one can have

Why the hell would you use this:
I guess you’re desperate for recognition and you have no accomplishment nor royal blood worth mentioning.  We’re talking so low on the food chain that “esquire” is too good for you.  So who are you?  Why, you’re Mr/Mrs. Person – proud wallet carrier!  Look at you, big shot.  Struttin’ around with that wallet of yours.  Is that leather?  No?  Oh.  It’s duct tape.  That’s…fancy.  On the other hand, this word can also be used to describe a bizarrely specific kind of mendicant.  Do people even beg with a wallet?  Shouldn’t it be a hat or a bucket or a violin case?  Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a beggar do their thing with an open wallet.  I’ll be on the look out from now on though.

Odds of using this in casual conversation without sounding like a bombastic bastard:
It’s odd.  I mean, does this sound right to you? “I am John the Walleteer:  Carrier of Cash, Prince of Pennies, Duke of Dimes, Quartermaster of… Gift Cards.” Do we call this a case of douchebaggery or an endearing admission of pauperage?  I prefer the latter, so if you have the right friends, you may be able to get away with this although not casually.  It’s impossible to casually announce yourself this way.  As for describing beggars:  if they are indeed brandishing wallets, go ahead and use the word.  It just fits.

Example in a sentence:
“Now presenting Duke Fethersworth of Caddington Hall and his nephew Timmy the Walleteer.”

“I got a wallet!”

“Good for you Timmy.”

Word of the Day #15: Funest

Pronunciation: [fyoo-nest]
again, that’s [fyoo-nest].  I know that [fun-est] crossed your mind, and that’s okay, I went there too, but I assure you!  It is [fyoo-nest].  Not [fun-est].  [fyoo-nest].  We good?  Good.

Definition:
adj.
1.) causing a foreboding sense of evil or death
2.) straight up causing death or evil.  Straight.  Up.

Why the hell would you use this:
Remembering that this is “fun” as in “funeral” and not “fun” as in “Disney World,” you’re probably using this word to describe people that remind you of goatmen brandishing pitchforks in their thermal underwear.  You know what kind of people I’m talking about.  You just take one look at them and think, “Oh man, I better watch out for that one.  I got a bad feeling about ’em.”  That same weird looking guy volunteers at a soup kitchen you ass and what you’re doing is called prejudice.  You ought be ashamed of yourself.  However, if someone has a murder of crows flocking above them, chances are they are funest people you know.

Odds of using this in casual conversation without sounding like a bombastic bastard:
Depends.  Do you have a thick accent from a country we Americans can’t quite pinpoint on a map?  If so, then we’re going to assume that you were trying to say “funnest” and that means

DING DING DING!

This is the first word on this blog that would work in casual conversation!  Granted, it’s a mistake but I’ll take it!

Example in a sentence:
This is the funest funeral I’ve ever been to.

Word of the Day #14: Hobbledehoy

[hob-uhl-dee-hoi]

Definition:
n.
Awkward youth

Why the hell would you use this:
Let’s face it:  you’re getting older.  To some of you, this may be seen as a heartbreaking thing.  To others, it is an opportunity to take advantage of certain stereotypes.  I for one, am looking forward to an age where I get to yell at kids to get off my lawn as if it were actually being taken care of and not left in a horrible state of weeded anarchy.  In order to truly embrace the good old cranky grandpa persona, you need dated words to negatively refer to the younger generation while also establishing yourself as a wacky coot.  Hobbledehoy is an excellent candidate for such a word.  It works well with “con flabbit” “dang nabbit” and other such phrases so have some fun with it.

Odds of using this in casual conversation without sounding like a bombastic bastard:
Similar to my earlier post on “catawampus,” this is not a haughty word.  No one is going to take you seriously.  And yes, that is a direct challenge.  I want you to start sounding crazy in front of your friends and family.  It would…please me.

Example in an unnecessary exchange:
“Gerd sarn’it Billy!  You little hobbledehoys better stay away from my house or I’ll give you what for with a switch!”

“Dude, you’re 23.  Why are you talking like that?”

“Cause the aging process ain’t for sissies boyo.”

“Okay but why are you Irish?”

“Cause that’s the way your mother likes it.”

“Real jejune man.  Real jejune.”

Double word whammy?
Just making sure you’re paying attention.

Word of the Day #13: Jejune

Definition:
adj.
1.) Juvenile

2.) Uninteresting writing or ideas

Why the hell would you use this:
Everyone now and then you will hear something that evokes the thought, “Wow.  This is really juvenile.”  It may be a story pitch from your 10 year-old cousin or it may be your high school friend’s Facebook poetry that she insists on tagging you in.  Some people may recognize that calling things “juvenile” is in fact, juvenile.  Luckily, we have here a word that means the same thing, but sounds even more ridiculous.  Maybe even so ridiculous that it helps highlight your disdain towards Melanie’s malady of misplaced melancholy so aptly titled, “Shattered Rivers of My Soul.”  Uccch.  So jejune.

Odds of using this in casual conversation without sounding like a bombastic bastard:
Well like I said, any sentence with jejune in it will most likely sound silly.  I can’t imagine this working out for you in an intellectual capacity either but I don’t know, maybe if you downplay the crap out of it, the person you’re talking to won’t notice.  I’d still say odds are low.

Example in a sentence:
My sister’s jejune diary entries were so embarrassingly fixated on how hot Edward was, that I found myself gagging at the mention of his “shiny manly pecs”.

Example of jejune poetry:
Well that’s kind of a subjective topic.  What I may think is sappy dribble, you may hail as a brilliant revelation of the human condition.  In general, if you’re writing about how your boyfriend dumped you and you use words like, “soul”, “heartbroken”, “darkness”, “empty” or make references to water imagery like “river” “tears” or “rain”, I will die a little inside.

Pffft.  Elitist Prick.

 Hey.

Shut up.

Word of the Day # 12: Caterwauling

Definition:
verb.
1.) to protest with a loud unpleasant sound
2.) annoying howling sound a cat makes in protest
3.) annoying howling sound a cat makes in heat

Why the hell would you use this:
Assuming you eventually plague mankind with teenagers, you’re going to be in the market for words to describe the incessant, often misplaced, angst he or she spews forth from their word-hole.  “Yelling” doesn’t quite cut it and “complainy-pantsing” is too mild a phrase to truly grasp the awfulness of it.  And so I give you:  caterwauling.  As a bonus, it also describes the unfortunate noises coming out of their bedrooms when they discover the “wonders” of the internet for the first time.  That is also:  caterwauling.
For those of you that choose not to have kids, I guess you can be impressed with yourselves knowing that your six house cats make more obnoxious sounds other than “meow.”

Odds of using this in casual conversation without sounding like a bombastic bastard:
I think it would be hilarious to use this in context of a shrieky little pipsqueak but if you’re a proud pompous cat lover, don’t seriously say this to me.  I will throw my shoe at you.

Example in a sentence:
When I asked Dave how his day went he looked at me, dropped his backpack haphazardly onto the floor, grabbed his laptop, went into his room, and started caterwauling like a sweaty lion.

Obligatory cat video found on Youtube:

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL, WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP!  Although I am amused that I cannot tell if they’re just angry, horny, or angrily horny.  Freakin’ cats man…